Cosplay and Self Esteem

In my first post, I brought up the issue of cosplay and self esteem. As someone who suffers from depression and anxiety, I can be incredibly hard on myself at times. Were it not for my wonderful partner, I would probably never have bothered with cosplay. I've always loved performing, because I get to be someone else, and although I do not suffer from stage fright, I am often very critical of my appearance, particularly before I debut a new cosplay.

For various reasons that I won't go into here, I began to put on weight three years ago. I had always been quite thin, not supermodel or athlete thin, but I could comfortably fit into a size eight dress and not look like an overstuffed sausage. Nowadays, I'm lucky if I can wear a size fourteen or sixteen. And before anyone jumps down my throat for being critical of overweight people, hear me out. I have nothing against bigger girls. I think everyone has the ability to look beautiful with the right clothes and make up. We all look terrible when we wake up in the morning, whether we're size eight or size eighteen. My problem is with my own body, because it's not me. I gained weight because of legitimate health problems, and when I look in the mirror, I see a stranger.

We all look terrible when we wake up in the morning.

Shortly after my first con, I was introduced to Robin who runs a store at Carrara Markets on the Gold Coast. I'm probably slightly biased, but him and his team do amazing work. I commissioned a Red Lantern suit to wear to Halloween Fright Night at Movie World. I knew I had put on a fair bit of weight, but having my measurements taken was one of the hardest things I've ever done. I remember hearing the numbers and wanting to burst into tears.

The first time I tried on the costume, the pants didn't fit, and although it was more to do with a sewing error than anything else, I once again felt absolutely ashamed of my body.

When it came time to wear the costume out in public, I was incredibly excited. I was finally going to be a Red Lantern, with my best friend beside me wearing Green. I love her to death, but she is tall and very leggy and she looks amazing in a superhero suit. Even though I had spent a lot of money to have my suit professionally made, I still felt inferior. She would never want me to feel that way, and it's certainly not her fault, but when I stand next to her I always feel second best. The funny thing is, she's said the same thing to me before. I guess we all have that horrible little demon inside our heads telling us that we're not good enough.

Red Lantern - Costume Creations by Robin.

I think a lot of the self esteem issues we face would be there whether we were cosplayers or not. That said, I also think sexualisation in cosplay has a lot to answer for. However, I'll leave that for a later post. I just hope that anyone who reads this blog and happens to have the same issues knows that they're not alone. The best thing we can do is support each other.