Cosplay and Self Esteem

In my first post, I brought up the issue of cosplay and self esteem. As someone who suffers from depression and anxiety, I can be incredibly hard on myself at times. Were it not for my wonderful partner, I would probably never have bothered with cosplay. I've always loved performing, because I get to be someone else, and although I do not suffer from stage fright, I am often very critical of my appearance, particularly before I debut a new cosplay.

For various reasons that I won't go into here, I began to put on weight three years ago. I had always been quite thin, not supermodel or athlete thin, but I could comfortably fit into a size eight dress and not look like an overstuffed sausage. Nowadays, I'm lucky if I can wear a size fourteen or sixteen. And before anyone jumps down my throat for being critical of overweight people, hear me out. I have nothing against bigger girls. I think everyone has the ability to look beautiful with the right clothes and make up. We all look terrible when we wake up in the morning, whether we're size eight or size eighteen. My problem is with my own body, because it's not me. I gained weight because of legitimate health problems, and when I look in the mirror, I see a stranger.

We all look terrible when we wake up in the morning.

Shortly after my first con, I was introduced to Robin who runs a store at Carrara Markets on the Gold Coast. I'm probably slightly biased, but him and his team do amazing work. I commissioned a Red Lantern suit to wear to Halloween Fright Night at Movie World. I knew I had put on a fair bit of weight, but having my measurements taken was one of the hardest things I've ever done. I remember hearing the numbers and wanting to burst into tears.

The first time I tried on the costume, the pants didn't fit, and although it was more to do with a sewing error than anything else, I once again felt absolutely ashamed of my body.

When it came time to wear the costume out in public, I was incredibly excited. I was finally going to be a Red Lantern, with my best friend beside me wearing Green. I love her to death, but she is tall and very leggy and she looks amazing in a superhero suit. Even though I had spent a lot of money to have my suit professionally made, I still felt inferior. She would never want me to feel that way, and it's certainly not her fault, but when I stand next to her I always feel second best. The funny thing is, she's said the same thing to me before. I guess we all have that horrible little demon inside our heads telling us that we're not good enough.

Red Lantern - Costume Creations by Robin.

I think a lot of the self esteem issues we face would be there whether we were cosplayers or not. That said, I also think sexualisation in cosplay has a lot to answer for. However, I'll leave that for a later post. I just hope that anyone who reads this blog and happens to have the same issues knows that they're not alone. The best thing we can do is support each other.

Goa'uld Hand Device: Day Three

Today, I awoke to the wonderful news that my resin gems had set perfectly. I've never used resin before, and I was fairly nervous when I went to bed, as the instructions said the pieces should set in a few hours. I have a feeling adding pigment may cause the mixture to take a little longer to set, but I only have my own experience to go by. I've tried Googling the information but I think I'll have to ask some of my cosplay gurus.

Resin Gems before removing them from the mould.

Resin Gems after removing them from the mould.

I was able to pick up two moulds (for my glove and bodice gems), a mould release agent, a resin kit and pigment from Barnes. Along with more alginate for my second hand cast, it set me back about $200.00, but I won't have to replace anything for a good while. I only used about 40ml of mixture to make this test batch of gems. I'll probably end up using the second largest one, as I have tiny hands.

Example of where gem will sit on finished glove.

I should probably mention that I used gloves and a dust mask when mixing the resin. I wasn't too sure how dangerous it was so I decided it was better to be safe than sorry. I also found it easier to weigh the ingredients using plastic cups and basic kitchen scales, rather than measuring cups. I've decided to keep a supply of plastic cups and cutlery in my cosplay box for paint/chemical use.

Now, I know you're all dying to know if my second hand cast worked or not. So, instead of procrastinating, here is the result:

Very Nice!

Aside from a few air bubbles and lumps where I must have wriggled my fingers in the alginate, this cast is just what I need. I'm going to leave it in the sun for a week or so, just to be sure it's completely dry. Until then, I will be working on the arm band part of the glove. I may need to wait until pay day though...

Removing the alginate. I actually found this to be a superior product to the first one I used.

Removing the alginate. Words cannot express how relieved I was to see fully formed fingers. I imagine this must be what childbirth is like.

Goa'uld Hand Device: Day Two

Previously on Raven Mad Cosplay: We began the epic tale of how I failed to properly cast my hand, looked at some interesting pictures of a mould and learned that alginate smells like choc-mint pudding.

And now, the conclusion.

Cast before removing the alginate. I had such high hopes for this one.

That lovely thing that kinda looks like a panna-cotta is in fact the cast still inside the alginate mould. The alginate is not reusable, so there's no need to be precious about removing it. It's strangely satisfying, like how I imagine an archaeologist feels while they're uncovering a fossil. Except that dirt doesn't smell like pudding and I'm sure they don't use serrated bread knives. I found cutting carefully around the edges to be an effective method of dealing with the greater part of the alginate. Just be a little more delicate when you get close the centre, or you'll break your fingers off. (The statue fingers, not your actual fingers, unless you're really clumsy, in which case you probably shouldn't be using a knife.)

Removing the alginate.

Now, here's where I stop procrastinating and finally tell you about my failure. If you watched the tutorial I linked in my previous post, you'll remember he mentioned that plaster can in fact BURN YOU if you submerge your hand (or other appendages) and let it set. I may have neglected to mention this to my partner until we were pouring the mixture into the mould. Long story short (I know, it's taken me two posts to get here), he freaked out and started pouring far too quickly. Although we tried to ensure the mixture ended up inside the mould, there were obviously too many trapped air pockets, and the result was very disappointing.

As you can see, the alginate creates an incredibly detailed mould. Unfortunately, we were a little heavy handed with the plaster.

After the initial disappointment wore off, I decided to take a trip to Barnes and have a look at their casting supplies. I ended up buying a similar chromatic alginate, but I also had a look at some of the other supplies I'm going to need for this project. It was like being a kid in a candy store. Cosplay can be a very expensive hobby, depending on how much effort you're willing to go to. I don't do things half-arsed, and sometimes that means I have to spend a bit more money to learn better techniques. At the end of the day, it comes down to the individual.

While I was there, I couldn't resist picking up the moulds and resin for the gems to go in my glove and bodice. I've done a test batch, but they're taking far too long to set. I'm going to give it twenty-four hours and then remove them from the mould. I'll post my results here tomorrow. I'll also release the second cast of my hand from its alginate prison. With any luck, it's completely reformed.

Goa'uld Hand Device: Day One

Before I begin the epic tale of how I failed to properly cast my hand, let me give credit to the awesome guy who provided me with the tutorial I needed to get started. XRobots Iron Man Glove Tutorial begins with instructions for casting your own hands. My failure is in no way a result of these instructions, as I will explain shortly.

I ordered a casting kit from eBay, consisting of 450g of alginate and 900g of plaster. If you happen to be on the Gold Coast or in the surrounding areas, I recommend ordering from the same supplier, particularly if you are time poor, as they express courier to your door the following day. I ordered mine late Tuesday night and was surprised to receive it on Wednesday afternoon. It worked out particularly well for me as, after purchasing the container I was going to be using for the alginate, I quickly realised I was going to need a lot more. If you have a little more time, you could head to Barnes (in Brisbane). It'll probably work out better for your wallet.

Bucket I used to cast my hand. It cost around $10.00 from Bunnings.

Technically, you don't really need to cast your hand. You could probably make do with any old mannequin hand from a retail supply store. It really depends on how accurately you want the glove to fit you. For me, there is the added desire to learn to cast. If you are going to cast your hand, I recommend getting a bucket deep enough that the rim lines up with the middle of your forearm, but not too wide or you'll need far too much alginate. Remember not to touch the bottom with your fingers, or you'll end up with holes in your mould.

As mentioned in the tutorial, you only have a few minutes to work with the alginate once you add the water. The instructions for mixing will be on the packet. I used a separate bucket and a wooden spoon to create the mixture before pouring it into my casting bucket. You only have about 60sec to stir before you need to get pouring. The mixture is quite thick and can be difficult to manipulate, but just think of those biceps! Don't worry too much about minor lumps and bumps - you're never going to get them all out in the time you have.

Once you've poured the mixture into your casting bucket, don't be shy, just get in there. Keep enough distance between your fingers so that you can feel the alginate completely surround them and REMEMBER NOT TO TOUCH THE BOTTOM. Don't worry about getting comfortable. You only need a couple of minutes before the alginate sets, then you can enjoy spending the next five minutes trying to get your hand free. While you're at it, you can enjoy the pleasant aroma of choc-mint pudding.

My hand in the casting bucket. I ended up using 3 x 450g bags of alginate, however next time I will probably use four, so I can get a little more of my wrist in the mould.

The completed mould.

So, I just realised I haven't quite got to my failure yet. It's late and I need to go to bed, so I guess you'll have to wait for tomorrow's post. Just call me George RR Martin.

Oz Comic Con Preparation

I am a part of many fandoms, as are most people out there who proudly adopt the term "nerd" to describe themselves. However, I think we all have that one fandom that we subscribe to over all others, whether it's gaming, comic books, fantasy novels or cult film. For me, it's Sci-Fi, specifically Stargate. I jumped on the Stargate bandwagon pretty late, probably around season three or four. I remember it started out with a pretty good time slot, 7:30pm on a Thursday night. But as the seasons went on, it got pushed back further and further, until I found myself staying up until midnight to catch the latest episode. Of course that doesn't happen these days, between on-demand streaming and, ahem... downloading.

As mentioned in my previous post, my very first con was Gold Coast Supanova 2012. I was absolutely beside myself when I found out I would be able to meet some of the stars of Stargate. It costs a fair bit of money, and it's only a brief encounter, but for that one fandom that you keep on a pedestal, you'll do it anyway. And I have. For the last two years I've been going to cons, and while I've met stars from other parts of the geek cosmos, it is my collection of Stargate photos and signatures that I'm most proud of.

Which brings me to Oz Comic Con. I've never bought a VIP ticket before, but I've had a long-standing deal with my partner that if either one of us finds a con worth paying premium prices for, we can cash in our "VIP Token". So, consider mine cashed in. I'm not going to say how much I've spent. If you really want to know, you can go to the Oz Comic Con website and see for yourself. It's not something to be ashamed of, I just don't feel posting a dollar value is particularly relevant. Stargate may not be your bag, but I can guarantee there is something on this Earth that would prompt you to say "Screw it, I'm in."

What does all this have to do with cosplay? Well, although I've been cosplaying for two years, I don't feel I've ever completed a costume that has really challenged me. To be honest, I probably wasn't ready before now. But, having met a bunch of awesome Stargate cosplayers, I've noticed that everyone tends to stick to the military gear and guns. I saw an amazing Prior at Armageddon in Melbourne. And a Jaffa at Gold Coast Supanova a few weeks ago. One thing I've never seen is a Goa'uld. I'm not saying it hasn't been done, I just haven't run into one.

Prior from Stargate SG1 seen at Armageddon in Melbourne, October 2013. Apologies to the cosplayer, I did not get your name!

And thus begins my descent into madness as I attempt to make a Hathor inspired costume for Oz Comic Con. I'm starting with the hand device. I'll document my progress daily and hopefully I'll be able to help anyone else out there who may be interested in making a similar costume. Wish me luck!

Confessions of a Beginner Cosplayer

Ever since my first Supanova (Gold Coast, 2012) I've been obsessed with cosplay. I bought a Babydoll costume from eBay and waited anxiously for it to arrive in the post. I remember trying it on and being horrified because I felt too fat to be wearing such a revealing costume. I'd seen pictures of good female cosplayers and they all seemed to have one thing in common: they were petit and pretty. I'd also seen pictures of cosplayers who were less than perfect, and the horrible comments that people made about them. How could I possibly wear my Babydoll costume out in public?

Eventually my partner convinced me to wear the costume, but I insisted on wearing a white singlet instead of revealing my bare stomach. I'm not obese, but I certainly don't have Emily Browning's abs. I remember looking in the mirror and feeling like a superhero (at least, briefly). It's a feeling that I assume every cosplayer gets, and it's addictive.

Digital painting by artist Ally Faye. My partner had this commissioned as a gift, so I would feel proud of my first cosplay. I left my glasses on to make it more personalised.

While I waited in line, I watched as hundreds of fellow cosplayers arrived. The myriad of fandoms being represented was overwhelming and for the first time in my life, I felt like I was surrounded by like-minded people who would accept me for who I was. Sadly, this feeling quickly subsided, as I became aware of the talent around me. I had a store-bought costume that I didn't even feel that attractive in, while others were wearing amazing outfits that they had sewn and constructed themselves.

As far as the convention was concerned, I had an amazing time. I went to seminars, got signatures and had my photo taken with some of my favourite celebrities. Being called "Blondie" by Cliff Simon was a highlight (though I feel the irony was lost on him). However, as fun as it was, I felt bad that I wasn't getting much attention for my costume. I constantly saw other people being stopped for photos and I started to wonder, "Is this the measure of a good Cosplay?" Surely if you've done a good job, people will pay attention to you, right?

Now, if you're still reading this, you're probably thinking I'm a bit conceited, but if you are a fellow cosplayer, can you honestly say that the attention doesn't make you feel special? And so it should. You're putting yourself (and your art) out there for people to admire. Like anything we create as human beings, we want recognition, a pat on the back, a compliment. My biggest problem has been finding a balance between the need for validation and simply enjoying cosplay because it's fun.

I've created this blog so that I can be honest with myself, and anyone who takes the time to read it. I'm still a beginner in the world of cosplay, and I want a place where I can document my journey - successes and failures alike. I also want a place that other cosplayers can visit and feel at home. Underneath all the make up, latex and armour, we're human beings. Beginner or professional, at the end of the day all that matters is that we're paying homage to our fandoms. And having fun.